Kew, That Was Close

Or, Why Botanical Gardens are Terrifying

I know without even asking that there are those of you who think botanical gardens are harmless, even pleasant or maybe delightful.  A place to take your mother-in-law for a nice afternoon or to exit the hubbub of the city. But OH, you would be wrong. I learned the truly sinister nature of these expansive acres of land dedicated to biology, these enormous gatherings of plants when, in May 2010, my friend Brittany and I took our lives in our hands. We visited Kew... Gardens... dun dun dunnnnn.

Furry, velvety, waxy, drooping, fragrant, vibrant, edible... vines, flowers, trees, shrubs, in various stages of growth and bloom. That is precisely what freaks me out about botanical gardens: these plants are all growing, and breathing, and alive. I mean, if they're not sentient yet, they're close. Some looked like they were from Jurassic Park, the small cousin of a plant that is capable of eating me. The creatures that survived and thrived here were exotic and strange, like the peacock with the brilliant blue head and the monster hens by the building containing the Marianna North paintings. Come with us on our journey through Kew Gardens, a "plant kingdom" creeping in on London from a current distance of less than ten miles.

That calm, smiling face was a facade! I was quaking in my boots Franco Sarto sandals. 

Don't get too close, Brit!

You may well wonder, "What is a chicken doing all the way out here, in Kew?" But take a look at it's monstrous feet. No wonder it thrives there.

We climbed into the air, sixty feet high onto the Treetop Walkway... the trees had anticipated our escape attempt and outgrown the path. 

 Gorgeous flowers in the Temperate House (they almost have me fooled).

Brit, looking nonchalant. She does not yet realize that two innocent-looking plants have crawled behind her ear... 

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NB: This article is obviously a joke. I am not deathly afraid of nature. I do highly recommend a visit to the Kew Royal Botanical Gardens if you ever find yourself in London for more than a couple of days. Visit Kew's website for more information.